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The rainbringer
26 September 2006 @ 11:27 pm
*resolves to stop sucking*

Tomorrow is my first chem exam. If I... if I stop being emo and take a realistic view of my courses, that's the only one I really need to watch. Still have A's in the rest. And if I do well on that exam, it will be a very hopeful turn of events.

Manda, I want to talk to you too... and your buddy icon is totally cute, by the way. ♥ After all this studying/paper-writing stuff is done, ja? Thursday or so... or if you're busy then, Friday/Saturday/Sunday.

I don't really know what else to say... this week is only two days old and already it's had much angst, with leaving home again, failing to do necessary chem things, losing important objects, emotional conversations, frustrations with study abroad...

I have never felt like grades were all that important, and though at times I've decided that classes or teachers were important, the actual grades remained fairly meaningless. In college they are not. CHP, Jame's Scholars, JBT, and most importantly, study abroad: all that depends on a solid GPA, and being smart is not enough here. If I can't accept that and adjust to the pressure, it means KUL is right... I don't have the personal maturity to study there.

So. Back to chem, I guess. 'tis possible I won't figure out how to be happy here until next semester, even, but in the meantime, that's no excuse for poor grades.
 
 
The rainbringer
23 September 2006 @ 06:06 am
The ride home was dramatic, but it feels loverly to be home. I haven't been back since term started - a month ago now. That's the longest I've ever been gone, except for long trips to Germany or the west. The homecoming in those cases is very different: the house smells musty, the faucets spew forth fetid black water, and sometimes snakes slither about the kitchen. In other words, the house missed me, too.

Not this time. There is no sense of abandonment. Instead of dust, I smell candles, laundry, food. Everything has gone on as before. But how is that possible? I've been away!

...and so, by virtue of its sameness, my little nest is changed forever.

(I've lived in this house for every moment of my 17 years, maybe it's natural that I'd anthromorphize it. Anyway, it's an old house, nearly a hundred years. It's got personality, unlike those soulless modern constructs.)

Same with my garden, forest, trees. It feels so good to breathe them again. Am now firmly convinced that I could never live in a city.

So... what else? I went out for dinner with the parents, yay. :) Spinach pizza is delicious. Will be forever in debt to Jeep Chan, who convinced me to try it (even though cooked spinach is icky-gross). Then we watched Waterworld, which is a fairly terrible movie. I mean, it's a typical thriller, lots of action and a cute little heroine... but the premise is just so stupid. Supposedly, the polar ice caps have melted, and the entire world is submerged in water. People survive on ships, floating constructs, etc.

Problem? Even if the ice caps melted entirely, it would likely only raise the water level by a few hundred - at most, thousand - meters. Not enough to bury the Rockies. So, while I'm the last person to degrade ecological concern, it was a bit over-the-top. (Although it was funny to see the "descendant" of a rich oil-person be caricatured as an insane, evangelical, one-eyed evil bastard.)

The movie we saw earlier, in Madness, was better. Quills, all about the Marquis de Sade. Very twisty and strange, though - may write more reflections on it later.

Yeah, I'm really tired, heh. It's grand to be home, but I'm afraid that going back will be even harder now. Ah well, will deal.
 
 
Stimme: blahblah
 
 
The rainbringer
22 September 2006 @ 09:05 am
Edit: that whole test, under lj-cut.Collapse )
Yay, personality tests. This particular paragraph was slightly unnerving because everything in it was true:

You mostly assume that people are honest and fair, however you are wary and hold back from trusting people completely. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You will help others if they are in need. If people ask for too much of your time you feel that they are imposing on you. You dislike confrontations and are perfectly willing to compromise or to deny your own needs in order to get along with others. You feel superior to those around you and sometimes tend to be seen as arrogant by other people. You are tenderhearted and compassionate, feeling the pain of others vicariously and are easily moved to pity.


On the other hand, the questions are very direct... so it's kind of like, tell us what your personality is and then we'll rephrase it with a few more words.

Okay, so, update... I'm going home this weekend. ^_^ Can't wait to see my trees, bed, home again... and even my parents, heh. Might also go to the wolf ranch, since it's open on Saturday.

Last night I had a fun one or two-hour conversation with Kez and Billy while I should've been writing my paper. It reminded me how awesome my friends are - I think I'll call Clover and Manda this weekend and see if they remember who I am. College is hard on friendships...

Yeah, not much else. *uncreative* Longer update when I get home, though.
 
 
Stimme: okayokay
Musik: Charlotte Martin - Up All Night
 
 
The rainbringer
17 September 2006 @ 08:33 pm
Also: I want my god damn contacts.



And Foucault is gay.
 
 
The rainbringer
17 September 2006 @ 08:26 pm
Another stormy Urbana Sunday. It's a little bit melancholy; the rain subdues everything but the gleaming puddles in the streets and the Mobil station across the way. Those shine all the brighter after darkness falls... a neon contrast to home's lonely, graceful conifers, which blend so easily into grey skies.

But it has not been a bad weekend, by any means.Collapse )

Today was my four-month with the boy. Am very dorky about anniversaries. For instance - they serve flower-shaped waffles at the Hendrick House brunch, and when I got down to the last two petals today, I was like, "awww, it looks like a heart! It's our strawberry-waffle-anniversary-heart."

Wish we could be together for it, of course... share food and wine and love in actuality, not just thought. Some day, though. Even far away, he's still the best thing in my life. ♥
 
 
Stimme: melancholymelancholy
Musik: Charlotte Martin - Stromata
 
 
 
The rainbringer
14 September 2006 @ 12:57 pm
Okay. Some things.

These last few weeks have certainly been interesting, na? College transition is strange... and it's been somewhat emo on this side, so forewarning: there's a lot of angst under the cut.

Rambling.Collapse )
Anyway. I will do better. Interview at 3:00 today, must dress up... might buy bread and colored pens afterwards. <3 'tis the small pleasures that make life worth living.

Here's the picture that didn't work last time I posted it. Kitten inside~Collapse )

p.s. Renovated my lj. It's clean, if not as pretty as the intricate designs I used to do.
 
 
Current Location: dorm
Stimme: contemplativebetter
Musik: novaspace - time after time
 
 
The rainbringer
12 September 2006 @ 04:15 pm
Random mental disorder tests, with results that sound really bad. :D But I'm so not the least bit OCD or schizoid. The only reason my results are so horrible-looking is because I clicked all the alone preferences... that doesn't mean I have a personality disorder, just that I'm lazy, and being with people is much effort. Even awesome people. So I don't really initiate social things very often. .-.

Random surveys.Collapse )

Lotsa homework the last three days. Possibly because I did virtually none for the first three weeks. Am so smart.
 
 
The rainbringer
08 September 2006 @ 01:00 am
Bah... had a very bad day/night. I know I only update when I'm depressed, bla bla bla emo whine bla, here's a picture.

follow cut!Collapse )

I drawed it for my boyfriend's birthday because I love him, and kitties.

Back to chem. Long, fun story. -_-
 
 
Stimme: crushedcrushed
 
 
The rainbringer

I'm getting tired of headaches. ^

Shouldn't exaggerate, and all: it's not like I get them every single day. But damn. I miss being able to read/think without pain.

*goes to sleep*
 
 
The rainbringer
13 August 2006 @ 12:14 am
"Summer Sunshine" - The Corrs

Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm a solo cello outside a chorus
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm

Just sweet beginnings and bitter endings
In coffee city, we borrowed heaven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?

You tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Now that you've left me, there's no returning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?

Don't tell me you have to go...


Doesn't really fit exceptionally well, but something about the way this song sounds/looks to me... 'tis all Paul.

In other news. College starts in seven days. It's the beginning of the end of growing up... and I feel almost nothing, because I'm still savoring the summer. Lazy, low-key days, no angst or pressure. <3 (But wait until my parents return tomorrow, lol.)

Why do I always start these reflections when I have a headache? And why do I have headaches like 50% of the time? Am still in a good mood, but suddenly thinking becomes so difficult, like looking through a frosted window...

Ah well, will go molest my piano now. 'night, all.
 
 
Stimme: crappyheadachey
Musik: what do you think? :p